mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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