DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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