you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
