i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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