I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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