burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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