In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
