Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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