I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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