So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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