Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
they're like a gay fantastic four
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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