ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Houston, we have a blender
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
