I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
