I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize