really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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