i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
