I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
