My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
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omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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