wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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