You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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