I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
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Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever