Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
