3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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