you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
