it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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