I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
