she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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