If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
