watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
