The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
