Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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