What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
