The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
