I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
