Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
