New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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