Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
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i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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