Please, let me fuck your mom
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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