my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
