I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
