Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
