apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
