You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
