I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Randomize
