I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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