could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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