my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
