i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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