It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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