if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
