Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
FUCK WHALES
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
