i already hear my dad disowning me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dating After Heartbreak
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.