My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
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I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
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I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?