perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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