I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
