True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
