just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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