My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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